I once heard a story on NPR about an Evangelical minister who was excommunicated because he no longer believed in Hell. He was a very charismatic minister, a disciple of Oral Roberts, and lost everything because he came to discover that Hell didn’t exist in the afterlife. Instead, he believed that Hell is right here on earth. I happen to agree with him. Because it’s right here, in my car.
We have to save Springfield. We have to save Springfield. We have to save Springfield. We have to save Springfield. We have to save Springfield. We have to save Springfield. We have to save Springfield.
Hey-Hey, it’s your old pal, Krusty. Hey-Hey, it’s your old pal, Krusty. Hey-Hey, it’s your old pal, Krusty. Hey-Hey, it’s your old pal, Krusty. Hey-Hey, it’s your old pal, Krusty.
We have to save Springfield it’s your old pal, Krusty, we have to save Springfield, it’s your old pal, Krusty, we have to save your old pal, Krusty, Springfield Hey-Hey Springfield Krusty Krusty…
Like most people in this country, I grew up with a predominately Christian view of Hell: Hell is a horrible place with fire, and bad people go there to burn for eternity. It’s quite a powerful image. Especially for a nine-year-old who burned his palm by keeping a grill from falling into an open pit fire.
However, as I grew older, that image didn’t fit anymore. Here are some of the reasons why:
1. Burns eventually heal even if in various degrees.
2. If one is burning for eternity, eventually, the nerve cells would die and that person would no longer feel any pain.
3. After a while, one actually would become dependent, and maybe even begin to love or derive pleasure from the pain. This would defeat the entire purpose of Hell.
4. We are talking about a soul. An abstract, intangible phenomenon. So, what burns a soul?
…we have to save Springfield, it’s your old pal, Krusty, we have to save Springfield, it’s your old pal, Krusty, we have to save Springfield, it’s your old pal, Krusty…
I never thought I would be the kind of father who would take his children to Burger King. I was horrified by the idea. When my ex-wife was pregnant with our first child, I would thumb my nose at those parents who would feed their kids fast food. What kind of people were they? Do they not care for their kids?
Five years later, I have found my local Burger King to be a haven. This is for one reason: the indoor play structure. Those evil geniuses in the fast food industry have offered a necessity for every parent—the serenity of momentary separation. And those money-sucking, manipulative, sons-of-many-ugly dogs have also beautifully constructed the most powerful tool in the history of propaganda—the kid’s meal toy. Those cheap molds of plastic are like heroine to five-year-olds. Also, short of locking my children in a small dark room, there is no way to escape it. This is because they talk to other kids. And those kids show them these cheap molds of plastic. And they will judge my kids for not having the cheap molds of plastic. And the other kids will band together and point at my kids as being those losers who are not the possessors of the cheap molds of plastic. And this mark of Cain will eventually lead to a life mired in Dungeons & Dragons, on-line dating, and a permanent residence in my basement. So, to save their lives, we went to Burger King.
…we have to save Springfield. It’s your old pal, Krusty. We have to save Springfield. It’s your old pal, Krusty…
I’ve never read Dante’s Inferno; although, I have pretended that I have. But I did see the movies Seven and What Dreams May Come. So, I think I’m covered.
I’ve also never read The Five People You Meet in Heaven. I have no intentions of reading it. I’m not interested in Heaven. I know what that’s like. I only have to hold my children. Also, I don’t believe that one meets people in Heaven. Heaven is filled with people I have already met, liked, and enjoyed being around while I was alive. I don’t have to cope with Heaven. That’s why Hell is far more interesting.
I have read Sartre’s No Exit and agree with his idea of hell: being locked in a room with people who cannot connect. So, with this thought in mind, I’d like to share my idea of Hell: The Five Most Annoying People I Have Met and Have Purposely Devoted My Entire Life Avoiding, Locked in the Same Room Together, and They All Want to Be My Friend.
The people in this room:
1. Paris
2. My ugliest girlfriend who caught me at a weak moment. A month after we broke up, she found out that I had set up a date with another girl. The day before the date, she went to visit this girl in her dorm room and spent the entire night crying. The girl cancelled the next morning. I don’t blame her.
3. Evan. A three hundred pound ego maniac. A friend of a friend. He once proclaimed that half the girls on our college campus wanted his body. I laughed. He told me that he wasn’t joking.
4. My tenth-grade English teacher. He once proclaimed to be a professional actor and thought that we were blessed to hear him read Julius Caesar in its entirety.
5. My Grandma. I know that most people’s grandmothers are grey-haired, sweet old ladies who baked muffins. My grandmother had dark hair and fed me greasy tacos.
Eat your heart out Dante.
…we have to save Springfield, it’s your old pal, Krusty. We have to save Springfield, it’s your old pal, Krusty…
“Benny, Jonah. Stop.”
We have to save Springfield.
“Jonah, give it a rest.”
Hey-Hey! It’s your old pal, Krusty.
“Benny!”
Hey-Hey! It’s your old pal, Krusty.
We have save Springfield.
“STOP IT! NOW!”
Some would say that hell would be out living your children.
I agree.
You want a better life for your children. You teach them to be good people. You want them to be better than you. But what happens when they become reflections of you? When they show you the qualities others find annoying about you?
We have to save Springfield.
We have to save Springfield.
“Hey. Where’s that Maggie toy?”
“Here, Daddy!”
*Suckle-Suckle*
Hey-Hey! It’s your old pal, Krusty.
*Suckle-Suckle*
We have to save Springfield.
*Suckle-Suckle.*
*Suckle-Suckle*
I guess, if I really think about it, Hell is being locked in a room with myself. And to be forced to face myself. My flaws. My shame. My annoying habits. I need others. If for no other reason than to remind me of the fine line between Heaven and Hell.
*Suckle-Suckle*
*Suckle-Suckle*
*Suckle-Suckle*
“Daddy! Stop it!”
*Suckle-Suckle*
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